Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
as a side note pls kill me
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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