Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
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just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
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I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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