I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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