My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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