Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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