I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
