so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
