i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
