When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
