i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I just found a bag of teeth...
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
