That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
