That's intense
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
