jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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