from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
please come you make the beer taste better
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
