on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
