I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Just invented taco cereal.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
