I wish my penis had an off switch
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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