Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
