either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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