im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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