I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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