pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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