1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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