i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
