Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
