I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
FUCK WHALES
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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