Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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