You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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