After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
