her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
