Apparently you make a good broom.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
