whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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