You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
My underwear smells like fireworks.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
