you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
