it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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