What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
