At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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