yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
