apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
