and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
