Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
