I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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