I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
