I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
