The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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