I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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