Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
