i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
