What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
