another moral hangover. fuck.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
