is your mom at the bar?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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