Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
