Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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