I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
