i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
