Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
