apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
As shirtless as possible
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
