I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
