My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
