I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
